Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Hottie(s) Of The week: Arrested Development

Ah, this beloved cancelled show is literally overflowing with sex gods. The maturely immature jokes and sly wit (literally, every time we watch it, we find something different.) makes our heart sing and our brains pound. This magical show isn't tricky, it's an illusion! Trust us, if you're not watching this show, you're making a huge mistake. We cannot wait until 2009 for the upcoming movie, and are hoping for some hot cousin-on-cousin action.

Here is, in our humble, obsessed opinion, here are our top-ranked Arrested Development that we want to make pop-pop in the attic with.

10.) Tony Hale as Buster

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Mmm, what do we love more than an emotionally stunted, Oedipus-like, captain-hook handed, Liza Minnelli-dating Buster?

"Make love in your own hand, Mother!"

"I decided to sleep in the car so my snoring wouldn't bother you. And I left that recording of my snoring so you wouldn't know I'm gone."

Lindsay: You’ve had $80,000 worth of cartography lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean.
Buster: Okay, okay, okay.
Buster: Obviously this blue part here is the land.

9.) Alia Shawkat as Maeby

Alia Shawkat

What isn't endearing about a young girl who possibly has a crush on her possibly not blood related cousin. How about a girl who asks people to marry her as a way of distraction? Or maybe a girl who pretends to be a wheel-chaired twin, Shirley, who has a fatal case of a bull-shit illness, "B.S."?

"Let's sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement actually was."

8.) Ron Howard's disembodied voice.

The only way to describe his narration is teeming with sexuality. Oh, the erotic way he says, 'Next time, on Arrested Development' sends shivers down our collective spines.

GOB: Well, I will tell you this, Michael... I don’t have a son...

Narrator: He does.

G.O.B.: But if I ever do, I’m either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I’m going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I’m taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!

Narrator: G.O.B. was growing up.

7.) David Cross as Tobais


Possibly the most amusing character on the whole damn show. Never without the non-sequiters, at one point they brilliant writers pulled off an entire arc where he pretended to be his version of Mrs. Doubtfire, Mrs. Featherbottom. Never mind the never ending repressed homosexual jokes. If the show was an entire half hour of Tobias sitting in a room, I would watch. Thankfully, they're more creative than that. We hope we can get this Never-nude to change his ways.

"Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse."

Tobias: OK, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over? An analyst and a therapist--the world's first analrapist.
Lindsay: Yes, and you were almost arrested for those business cards

Tobias: I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I'm afraid i have something of a mess on my hands.

6.)Jeffery Tambor as George Sr.


This man (both Tambor and George Sr.) is a genius. The inventor of the poorly constructed/thought-out/marketed product ever: The Cornballer. He spends much of the first season in jail and later breaks out, to be confused for his twin brother, Oscar- the one who got the hair in his family.

Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.
George Sr.: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I liked his work

5.) Jessica Walter as Lucille


Mrs. Lucille Bluth loves all her children equally, but doesn't care for Gob. Never without a drink in her hand and a skirted suit on, Lucille Bluth is known for quite a few things, seldom printable on a 'family blog.'

Oh, Michael, honey. I want to cry so bad. But I don't think I can spare the moisture.

I’ve been drinking since before you were born. So if alcohol’s the reason I’m here, I got news for you, bub, it’s the only reason you’re here, too.

I can't stand overly dramatic people. They make me want to light myself on fire.

4.) Will Arnett as Gob


What's the best part about Gob? Is it that creamy voice? They way he leaves paper bags in the freezer marked: 'Dead Dove. Do Not Eat?' The fact that the final countdown plays everytime our favorite magician starts a show? Nope, our favorite has to be his black puppet, Franklin.

"Don't call my escorts whores."

"And that is why Jesus was often referred to as the King of Kings. Queens. The King of Queens."

3.) Portia Del Rossi as Lindsay


Lindsay is the hottest rich girl married to a possibly gay nevernude ever.

I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.

2. ) Jason Bateman as Michael

Jason Bateman

So, we're fairly certain that we just in love with Jason Bateman. In everything. Including Teen Wolf Too.

Michael: (To George Michael) Hey, why don't you pop a tent in front with
your cousin Maeby. Well, this is a good chance for
you to rub off on her.


You know, the feeling that you're FEELING is just what many of us call... a feeling.

1.) Michael Cera as George Michael


And we're definatly in love with Michael Cera. For the past three or so years, we have constructed an intricate alternate universe in which we are dating, and destined to marry Mr. Cera. (Our children's names are Daisy and Jack, by the way.)Our love runs deep for this boy who will eventually get his own page- we're waiting so we can do him justice. But we first fell in love with him as awkward teen George Michael. And its pretty clear why:


Michael: What do you think of when you hear the word Sudden Valley?
George Michael: Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don’t want to eat it.
Michael: Right. But Paradise Gardens...
George Michael: Yeah. Okay, I can... I can see marinating a chicken in that.

I bought you a wedding ring... tone.

Michael: Keep in mind, we are building something that is not only for our kids, it's also for George Michael and Maeby's kids too.
George Michael: We can't have kids. What's the matter? What are you saying? It's not even an option, really

1 comment:

Patricia said...

Great post! Personally, I would have to put GOB in the #1 spot--and I love the photo you have of him with the knife in his teeth. "The Final Countdown" by Europe started playing in my mind as soon as I saw that photo.

As a side-note, I also think John Adams is extraordinarily overrated. Hamilton is my 2nd fave founding father, but Madison will always hold heart in his hands. He had me at "If men were Angels, no Government would be necessary..."